A conversation between Vahur & Cole, reflecting on 22 days in complete darkness….
In the forests
In the forests of the Estonian countryside, there lives an old woman by the name of Tuulele (too-leh-leh), which translates to *into the wind* in the Estonian language. Over the years, she has existed on the periphery of Ecosh, facilitating contemplative experiences and the practice of folklore traditions for members of the Ecosh community. Among her practices, she works with runes: ancient Nordic symbols that serve as an inner compass, and a guiding thread woven into the intentional making of every Ecosh recipe (as seen on each and every product label). She has also served as a trusted consult for guidance regarding direction and decision-making for the business overall. There have been several instances when members of Ecosh - men and women both - have begun to describe her to me and stumbled through a choppy attempt at an introduction before abruptly cutting themselves off, opting to use just a single word to tell me just who Tuulele is. I recall one such instance in my first several weeks while becoming acquainted with Ecosh, when she came up in conversation with a new colleague about the growth of the Ecosh community through the years. *Lets call it what it is,* the new colleague said, now grinning and chuckling mischievously. *She's a witch!*
The word *Witch* understandably feels touchy to emphasize in the context of running a modern business. I've had the sense that the Estonians in Ecosh have been playfully cautious when using the word, as if gently probing to see who, in the US, may be receptive to this kind of language. But frankly, as I genuinely struggle to formally introduce Ecosh for the first time, I feel that for the sake of authenticity, I just have to be blunt and talk about witches from the start. The word itself - witch!!! - feels to me like a doorway to understanding some of the perspectives and worldviews that guide Ecosh. I've come to understand them myself as a contemporary, expressive evolution of the pagan folklore traditions that are foundational to the Estonian cultural heritage. Just watch the video on the Our Story page of the website and you'll catch the vibe. If resurrecting traditional worldviews that honor spiritual relationships with nature and feminine intuition, and integrating them into the practical aspects of running a business in the modern world is not your cup of tea, there are other places to buy nutritional supplements. But trust me, witches make the best tea.
Ok. Now that the Witch in the room has been addressed, let's move on…
On the land where Tuulele (the aforementioned witch) dwells in the Estonian forest, there is a place designed for a unique kind of experience. It is a place that Vahur, one of the Ecosh co-founders, first discovered 13 years ago and has returned to many times since: a womb-shaped, underground cellar set into the soil of a quiet patch of woods, where curious individuals are invited to descend and live alone, in complete darkness, for days and weeks at a time, bringing with them only the basic necessities of food and water. Vahur's longest and most recent stay in these darkroom conditions lasted 22 days, which also happens to be the longest anyone has stayed, uninterrupted, in Tuulele's cave. A few days after meeting Vahur for the first time, we sat down to have an open, unstructured conversation about his experiences in the Dark Room.
Our talk has gently turned over in my mind in the weeks since we spoke. The morning after my conversation with Vahur, I was out for a walk and realized that no matter how many times I revisited the transcript of our conversation, I just wouldn't be able to fully grasp the experience of sitting in complete darkness, alone, for over 3 weeks straight, without doing it myself. As I write this now, I think back to 3 weeks ago from today and realize how much has come to pass in that amount of time, and how much has shifted in my own personal life. 3 weeks is a long time!
Vahur's experience of the dark room is his story to tell, so I encourage you to set aside a little bit of time for yourself to relax and read the transcript of our conversation with an open, curious mind. Consider it an invitation to wonder, that you may revisit through the course of your day to day life in the coming weeks.
Here's a sneak peak:
Yes, exactly. And you always have to “sell it” to yourself in a way. I didn’t start thinking about what I would do there or how I would eat. I just jump in. And once I’m there, I deal with whatever comes up. Sometimes I don’t even want to think too deeply beforehand, because otherwise you start thinking, “Oh, how will I do this or that?” It’s better to jump in and then see. Like: “Okay, now I have to swim, otherwise I’ll drown.” It’s a safe place — I know there are four walls and a limited space. That made it easy for me, at least I thought so.
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I’ve been there five times. These experiences are not like parallel games — first game, second game. They’re hierarchical, like grades in school: first grade, second grade, third grade. Each new experience starts where the previous one ended. You can’t skip levels.
The first time, the mind is very excited and the body has no idea what’s going on. The first three days are for arriving, for gathering all your energy. I always say it’s pointless to go for just three days, because by then you’ve only just arrived. At least five days — then you have at least one or two days really inside the experience. But the mind is tricky: when there are only a couple of days left, the mind already wants to jump out. So on a seven-day retreat, you spend three days arriving, a couple of days really inside, and then you start coming out.
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With darkness, your reality always changes. And if you don’t want to change anything in your life, don’t go there. Because the darkroom works like this: what doesn’t resonate with you will resonate even less afterward, and what does resonate will resonate more. It increases the contrast. So if you go there thinking about whether you should quit your job, and it’s not really your job, then after coming out you definitely won’t be able to work there anymore. And if you come out saying: “No, no, I didn’t really mean that,” it’s already too late. So if you really want change, go — but don’t play with it. It changes things.
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And this is also the difference from the corporate way: “We’ve always done it this way, you have to do it like this, set goals, visualize them…” That’s always there. One way I recently heard it described is this: let the right hemisphere of the brain be the guide. The feeling of the right hemisphere pulls you in the direction you need to go. The left hemisphere is analytical and executes it, but it doesn’t decide where to go. Like Mario said yesterday: women give permission, or feeling gives permission, and the masculine side executes. If the masculine side thinks it knows everything and is the boss, I say: “Think again.”
Some prompts to guide your wondering:
- What would it be like to sit in darkness, completely alone, for a whole week? Two weeks? Three?
- If I had the option to descend into the cellar today, would I be ready for the experience?
- What aspects of myself and my life may I be asked to confront in this space?
- What may I feel, initially, is passing me by in the outside world? Could I learn to let those things go, and sit with myself in peace?
- What realizations or deeper layers of understanding could the experience guide me towards?
- How could this change the way I live afterwards?
- After reading Vahur's words, how are the insights that he has shared from his personal experiences in the dark room influencing thoughts and actions in my day to day?
- What is sticking in my awareness?
Again, we invite you to visit the transcript of our conversation and explore the darkness: I WANT TO WONDER
P.S. I had a very serendipitous exchange with the person sitting next to me on the flight home. He had an accident and went blind for (I believe) 5 years. He was such a kind, open, graceful dude. He spoke about finding meditation, and learning how to sit with himself after going blind and waking back up to life after a deep depression initially after the accident. We talked the whole flight about music, and travel, and photography, and gardening.... he had so much to say about his experience with blindness (darkness) that was aligned with Vahurs experience. Cool side note.
